What I’m doing with my life
I wake up around noon, smoke a spliff, 1/2/3’s. Then I get right to business with a bloody Mary or perhaps a mimosa. (Breakfast) Then I start taking naked pictures of myself on my web cam or go on chatroulette. By 2:30 I’m singing 90’s pop songs into a hairbrush with the windows open to all my neighbors can listen AND watch. (I’m very neighborly) then I have a snack of vicodin, zanex, and a sprinkle of Valium. (It’s OK.. they were prescribed to me so you know its legit.) And now its time to take a drive! Hop behind the front wheel if my dented and keyed up Ford Mustang, red- to show my American pride. There is a hole in my roof so hopefully its not raining. Tops down! Bump some jams, you know.. the good stuff. Like whatever gangsters listen to. Put on some knockoff ray bans and drive over to House of Vintage on Hawthorne. Buy a classy new outfit consisting of red cowboy boots, high wasted glittery black spandex pants, a ripped up t shirt with some animals head floating in front of the background of stars and a moon maybe a river. aaaand a furr coat, because its fucking cold out and there’s a hole in my roof. Smoke a cig, go over to Safeway and eat a cookie in the store then leave without paying because I’m super bad ass. you’ll learn this about me. Now I sit outside Euro Trash and get hit on by like at least 4 super scummy dudes. Pick the most decent of the four, and convince them to drive me around and buy me booze and take me to my friends house. I don’t have a lot of friends, but there’s this one chick that’s pretty cool. We’re starting a band called “BitchSlut.” No spaces. So we head on over to work. I know what you’re thinking now, a job? Yeah right! but no, its true. So we go to the strip club and dink around for a few hours maybe do some coke we got for free in the dressing room. Around 2am the nights just getting started. Get a ride to some “after party” which is actually just a bunch of dudes that all live in some shady house down by the river. They all have facial hair, for sure. Covered in tattoos and wearing all black. Probably haven’t showered in at least 4 days. So from this point on I’m usually blacked out but I know from the pictures that i was probably having a pretty good fucking time. Wake up from my stupor around 8am and crawl to the max, then go back into my apartment and put on some Neil Young and an eye mask, pop an ambien and call it a night.
I’m really good at